Go hug your mom. Seriously… If you are lucky enough that she is still around, make time, find her, and tell her you love her.
Between being completely overjoyed and overwhelmed, I had an epiphany as soon as I heard each of my babies cry for the first time. I finally got it. Unconditional Love. I remember thinking- “Ohhhh this is what it’s all about. I get it now.” We had made this little person and instinctively I just knew… This little thing was a piece of me and I was a mom now. My heart exploded, and it was like a trap door opened deep inside of me, carving out more space to be filled with love.
I worried about this when I was pregnant the second time. I wondered how I would ever love another baby as much as I loved Ben- I mean, my heart was filled to the brim already, wasn’t it? Where was this new baby going to fit? It wasn’t until the first time I heard Jack cry that my heart exploded all over again and more room was carved out. Ben’s love compartment remained full at 100% and Jack’s space in my heart filled to 100% in a millisecond.
I remember realizing that I loved them so much that it hurt. I realized that I (gasp) loved them more than myself. I would do anything in my capacity to make sure that they would never, ever hurt. I found myself crying at bullying commercials before my baby was even a week old. (Thanks postpartum hormones!) I was convinced that I would see to it that no one and nothing would ever hurt my baby or make him sad… I would accompany him throughout middle school if I had to, and kick every potential bully’s ass personally (totally normal postpartum thoughts).
And then it hit me. My own mother must feel this way about me. I mean, I knew she loved me… But she couldn’t possibly love me as much as when I was an adorable little infant, right? I put her through the ringer when I was in High School. I spent a portion of my money for books on a lovely tramp stamp as soon as I got to college, and I made some poor decisions after graduation that I know she wasn’t happy about, nor was I proud of. I didn’t deserve to be loved the way I felt about my perfect little babies. And then each time I saw her, I started to notice a look in her eyes, a look that had always been there, I just had never paid attention to before. I started to pick up on the tone in her voice when she talked to me, and I knew that despite whatever things I had done in my youth to disappoint her- she still had the same amount of love for me as the first time she saw me. This realization made me love her even more, if that was possible. I loved her on a different level, a more conscious level.
I can only imagine what new space opens up in her heart each time she holds a new grand baby for the first time… She’s currently preparing for her first granddaughter this coming spring (way to to go, sis!)
Love at first sight… It’s actually a real thing. Love you, mom!