I See You

I see you. I see you pushing the boundaries. I see you doing that thing one.more.time after I tell you not to, and I see your side glance to me as you do it, begging my reaction. You’re driving me insane. I loose my cool with you more often than I should, and I’m sorry, but I’m tired. I’m so tired, sweet boy. You’re making me tired; but I guess that’s your job. You have so much energy, but my exhaustion isn’t a good excuse. You deserve more. I should be on my game all the time when I’m with you.

I see you growing before my eyes. I see you learn something new every day. I’m amazed. You are a sponge. You pick up on all of the small details in life that I take for granted. You question. You question often. All day, every day, all I hear are questions. You process new information and you grow; not only physically, but mentally. And I can see your mind working, like gears in a clock… You are always soaking up new information, new experiences, figuring life out moment by moment. You’re smart. No, you’re brilliant. (You’re my kid, why wouldn’t you be?) It’s becoming more difficult to shield you from the scary things in this world. You are asking too many questions. It’s overwhelming but enthralling all the same.

You remind me of myself. All of the time. Sometimes that’s awesome, and sometimes it’s not. Looking at you is like looking into a mirror and you reflect all my good qualities and also my flaws. You’re impatient. You’re a know it all. You are bossy. All qualities that you’ve inherited from me.  You’re also quick witted- and I love that about you. You’re also quick to forgive and forget. Your father might not agree that I’m capable of this, but this is a quality of mine that I’m both proud of and irritated by. It’s hard for me to hold a grudge. I’ve become soft in my old age. Honestly, I think it’s a  personality trait you should hang on to. Life is short. Don’t waste your time being angry.

You remind me of your father. You’re stubborn. You snore. You know how to get what you want in life and you know which of my buttons to push. You’re also smart. You’re really smart. You’re mechanically inclined and you’re kind. I’m madly in love with you and you drive me crazy at the same time. You are your dad.

I think about you all day and then when I get home from work all I think about is when I can get a break. You are tiring.

I see you push your brother when you’re frustrated. This makes me mad. I see you get upset when I yell at you to be gentler with your brother, and I can see that sometimes you are genuinely confused. You’re trying to figure out your emotions and it’s hard for me to remember that sometimes.  I need to be easier on you. I also feel the need to knock some sense into you half the time. You’re very confusing.

I see you laughing. You laugh all the time. You laugh about silly things and I envy your innocence. I want you to stay this way forever. I want a world where my biggest problems are whether my mom is making me put on a pair of pajamas that match, or if my little brother is hoarding all of the good matchbox cars.

I see you growing up in a world that scares me. I have this overwhelming need to shield you from all of the evil and negativity that exists out there, yet there’s a part of me that knows I shouldn’t, and that you need to know that  there are things that you need to beware of if you’re going to be able to survive. I just haven’t figured out how to talk to you about any of it yet. I’m not looking forward to any of these conversations.

I see you growing into a capable young boy that I’m proud of. You aren’t perfect, but there isn’t anyone on this earth who is. You’re pretty damn perfect in my eyes.  You are special. I want you to remember that. More than anything, I want you to carry with you the values that your dad and I have tried to instill in you. You matter. You have a voice. Stand up for what you believe in and don’t let anyone make you feel less of a person than you are. Be kind.  Be respectful. Be brave. Treat others as you would like to be treated. Help others in need. Be a good person. Be nice to your brother; because one day, he is all you’re going to have. Push yourself and do your best- and don’t accept anything less. You are perfect the way you are.

To my almost three year old, I have big dreams for you. My requests are simple: Please stop growing up so fast, and always remember that Mommy loves you. You make me question my own being and my decisions on a daily basis but you are all worth it. Remember that- YOU ARE WORTH IT. I love you to the moon and back.

edge

 

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