Who needs an alarm clock when you have two angels to wake you up every day? My guys like to start the morning with a good wrestling match or jumpathon on our bed, usually ending up with my husband and me getting kicked in the face and body slammed on our full bladders. It’s such a peaceful way to rise each morning and we are #soblessed that they wake up with so much energy. It ends with someone demanding to be fed immediately (because it’s obviously been days since we last fed them), and my husband and I kick each other under the covers to remind the other one who’s turn it is to get up with them.
We quietly make our way out to the living room where my two toddlers pleasantly and politely ask for a television show to be put on. They are never demanding, and never try to take the remote into their own hands, even though they have no idea how to use it. I’ve never turned my tv on to find that the last station it was set to was an On Demand purchase option featuring homosexual male pornography (thankfully without any preview pictures). We have complete control of what’s going in our house and that would obviously never happen.
With all the jumping, wrestling, crying and screaming, my nerves are never shot by the time breakfast roles around. You can be sure that you’ll never find me hiding somewhere in a corner from my angels like this, having a temporary mental breakdown before 7:30am. That would just be silly.
A gourmet breakfast is made to ensure that all five food groups are included. We encourage creativity during their meal by creating different scenes or animals out of their food while they watch PBS, or they choose their latest favorite classical music composer to listen to. Frozen waffles, French Toast, Oatmeal and anything else that is not 100% organic would be a sin- unless the oatmeal is 100% Irish steel ground with a dash soy milk and possibly one grain of raw sugar, for taste.
A wrestling match occurs post breakfast while we attempt to get both guys dressed. My husband and I consider this our cardio session for the day. We run around the house, all of us half naked, yelling, screaming and being mocked by a 2 and 3 year old as they laugh in our faces and hide in spots where we are too big to pull them out of. We start out with kind, soft voices that rapidly escalate to yelling and pulling kids out by their legs from under the bed. It’s a stress-free way to start the day and a great way to get a good work out. By the time my husband pulls out of the driveway with both of them on their way to daycare & preschool, at least 50% of the household has already shed a few tears of frustration, adults included.
After getting myself ready, I typically leave my house at pretty much the same time I am supposed to be arriving at work. Without fail, I get stuck behind a school bus every.single.day. I stop at Dunkin’ Donuts to refuel and attempt to feel somewhat human. I dig my debit card out from under 3 unused pull ups and a few empty food pouches to pay and I’m on my way, arriving to work looking as if I just went through a car wash… but without my car.
My work alter-ego kicks in as soon as the caffeine starts to hit my veins and it’s typically smooth sailing all day. My office is like an alternate universe. I get to pee alone! It’s amazing how good it feels to pee without any tiny faces staring at you the entire time; without inquiries from someone to see what’s in the potty before I flush. God Forbid I flush the toilet at home before one of them has had a chance to inspect what is in there.I’m killer at work; making things happen and it’s probably the one place that I will go all day that I feel as though I know what I’m doing and have some control over. At home, there is always a potential landmine to step on… like I said, take a word of advice: Don’t Ever Flush the Toilet BEFORE Your Two Year Old Can See It! You may end up consoling said two year old for 45 minutes enduring an epic tantrum because he couldn’t see your poopy.
I race out of the office everyday in order to get to each separate daycare/preschool facility on time. Pick up at school could be equated to Ground Hog Day. It goes the same way, everyday. Neither child is excited to see me when I arrive, and in fact, it is as if it’s an annoyance that I am there; taking them away from the fun time they are having. I struggle to strap them into their carseats.No one wants to ever “go home” and both demand to “go somewhere fun” after school. They need their window UP now, or DOWN now… I’m almost always “driving the wrong way”, someone drops their lunchbox and they neeeeeeed ittttt nowwwwwwwww. Or, one of them is able to reach the other one for a good ole’ slap. My kids are both strong-willed and physically strong for their age. I have bruises from strapping them into their seats. Yet, I view these bruises as I do my c-section scar- a battle wound that I’m happy to endure for my two darling sweet peas. It’s always a nice way to unwind after a long day, listening to them both scream the entire way home.
Dinner time is my favorite part of the day. We all sit around the table discussing our favorite parts of the day. My kids LOVE everything I offer them and they’re always eager to help set the table and clean up their toys before dinner. Since I have so much free time and patience once we arrive home, I like to cook my family a gourmet meal each night and they really enjoy trying new things. Everything is organically grown in our garden, beef and poultry is from the farm down the road, shipped directly to my home; and I’m sure to make sure everything is steroid and antibiotic free. Whether it’s some new beet recipe, or a new twist on Coq au Vin, both boys dive right in. Afterwards, I literally have to stop them from applauding me and thanking me for their meal each night. It’s like they can’t stop praising me for their dinner, it’s almost embarrassing. I do have to say, I secretly enjoy it though. I’d do anything for those little munchkins. They’ve never tasted a hot dog, chicken nugget, boxed mac n’ cheese, pizza bagel or any other disgusting food that some other kids eat. (Disclaimer: I’m totally not judging you if your kids have accidently tried one of these items). I’m just saying, I’m not even sure I would know where to find them in the grocery store if I tried. Is mac n’ cheese in the pasta section or the cheese section? See, I’m confused already.
Bath time & Bedtime is a tranquil and calm way to end my kid’s day. They play quietly in the bath, singing new songs they’ve heard at school, while ensuring that all of the bathwater stays IN the bath tub. They’re really good about that. The water stays IN the tub. They never hit each other, splash or dump water over each other’s heads. They’re like little bath time super stars. They enthusiastically get out when I ask them the first time and putting on pajamas is a piece of cake. Bedtime takes between two and three hours… that’s normal though, right? 14 books, two pee breaks, “second dinner”, 18 escapes from their bedrooms, screaming, running around naked and two pissed off parents before anyone passes out happens in everyone’s house, right?
By the time my darlings are finally asleep, my husband and I are in such a good mood that we just want to cuddle on the couch together, but we know there is still more to do before we can. We’ve both had a relaxing day and it’s nice to unwind with a glass of wine while we make the children’s lunches together, holding hands. Our bond is stronger than ever, and we haven’t let our children’s terrible two & threenager antics get to us one bit.
WE GOT THIS.