Bah Fucking Humbug  

Christmas is ruined. For the first time since having children, I’m not sending a Christmas card out this year. My mother in-law is devastated. 


I honestly meant to! I would have, except we didn’t have a professional photshoot this year and I simply couldn’t get my 2&3 year old to corporate and look at the freaking camera at the same time; I tried when we visited Santa, I tried impromptu shots and then dressed them up in Santa pjs and attempted a half-assed photo shoot with some Christmas lights and my iPhone. I finally said FUCK IT, this isn’t happening. I’m too tired to put anymore effort into this. Actually, while I’m on a roll using profanity, I can’t wait for 2017 because I don’t know about you, but in all honesty, 2016 fucking blew. 

I’ve been in such a bah humbug mood lately, I actually sent this ridiculous text to my mother the other day:


I actually cursed out a patch of snow on my driveway. 

If you were a beloved celebrity, this year was especially cruel. We lost legends in 2016. David Bowie. Dave Mirra. Harper Lee.  Prince. Morley Safer.  Muhammad Ali. Gene Wilder. Arnold Palmer. Janet Reno. Florence Henderson. Peter Vaughn. …Just to name a few.

Donald Trump is our President Elect and people are legit freaking out. Who in a million years would have fathomed this? Our country has become racially divided and despite having a black president for the past eight years, there has been more racial tension and violence in this country during his tenure since the 1950’s. We are living in scary times. 

Work has been insane. At home, I’m dealing with one child in the midst of the terrible twos and the other is a complete threenager. It’s an emotional rollercoaster; one minute they’re angels and the next it’s WWIII in my house. If you’ve followed my previous blogs, I make no proclamation to have one damn idea how to parent. This is all new. Every phase is new. Let me make this clear: I have no idea what I’m doing. There is pressure on my marriage (because who is in a good mood after fighting two mini terrorists to go to bed for 2hrs each night?) and I’m pretty much ready to throw in the towel and run off to a tropical island ALONE and not return.

I’m not going to rehash my issues.  I was thinking about all these celebrities passing and my insignificant issues at home that pretty much anyone who has had young children at some point or are dealing with them now, have and are experiencing the same thing and there’s simply no words to describe dealing with a young family. The pressure to be a perfect parent, the work it takes to maintain your marriage, and oh yeah, I work full time too. I’m pretty sure anyone reading this who has or is currently experiencing this complete debacle of what I like to call “life with little kids” understands. 

As I was sitting at my home work computer tonight at 10:30pm, finishing some things I wasn’t able to complete in the office, something clicked. Maybe it was the Pandora station I was listening to, but I finished my work and got out some greeting cards. I realized I was giving myself some sort of stupid pity party, when in reality, there are so many other people out there that are actually suffering this time of year. 

There are children living in my area that won’t have presents under the tree this year because their parents can’t afford it. There are women (and men) bravely fleeing abusive relationships with their children everyday, going to secluded safe houses. I know friends  who have been trying and trying and then trying some more to get pregnant with out success and feel hopeless. I have friends who have spent more time in the NICU than I did, combined.

I know someone who is dying and in desperate need of a kidney transplant. I know someone else who I grew up with, living out his final days at home with his family, on hospice care. He’s in his 60’s. This is not his time to go. My friend recently said that he is having trouble maintaining faith and is angry with God. This has been a church going gentleman his entire life and yet he’s struggling with his relationship with God during his last days on earth.  I have family members who just lost their mother this past weekend after a long and tough fight against cancer, leaving 2 children, 4 grandchildren and one on the she way who she will never meet. It makes  you question WHY. Why is life not more merciful? It’s not fair.

I made a list. We have toys going to toys for Tots this weekend. One of our toddler beds got donated to a battered woman’s safe home and it gives me great joy to know that some three year old is sleeping in that bed tonight, without fear of his mother or he being beaten. He is safe… and he’s sleeping in our toddler bed. 

My mood suddenly started to change.

I grabbed my cards and wrote some traditional & proper hand written notes to some people that deserve to know how much I admire them before their time in this  world expires. Three full pages later, my letter to my hospice friend was complete. I knew that this may be the last time I will be writing to him and I wanted him to know what an impact he made on my life.  My letter to my friend in need of a transplant is now done and everything is ready to be mailed out tomorrow. 

WHY DON’T we do this sooner? Why do we have to wait until someone is dying until we say good bye and let them know how much we care about them? Shame on us. We should be telling everyone we love that we LOVE THEM every freaking chance we get.

If there is anything I’m going to learn this Christmas season, it is going to embrace my family more and try to be more appreciative of what I have. No more bah humbugs. My children and husband deserve better than this- and I deserve to be the best I can be; for them and for me. 

Merry Christmas & Happy Holidays to you all

Xo,

Coastal Mama

She

I am fierce. I am strong. I am a woman and you better not fuck with me.

I am the little girl who you never really let be a little girl. You expected too much, cared too little, and let me figure things out on my own the hard way- more often than you should have. I’m the same girl who grew up quickly and left you in the dust the first chance I had. You taught me a lot. The most important lesson I learned from you was to be anything but you and to make sure that I show my own children that I love them unconditionally with every breath that I take. They do not, and will not have the same experiences that I did. I will give my kids more than you ever gave to me, and it isn’t going to cost me a penny. 

I’m the friend who was young and stupid. I put boyfriends on a higher pedestal than my friends and wasted a lot of time with the wrong guys. I lost a lot of loyal girlfriends who were better to me than I was to them.

I am that girl you talked down to. I’m the one you lied to, the one you pretended to love and the one you threw away. I’m the one who is better off now that you aren’t in my life anymore. I am a stronger and wiser person for those experiences. 

I’m the one who picked up some bad habits along the way.  I got rid of some, kept others, and have come to peace with living with the last bits for the time being. I’m a work in progress. I feed my kids better food than I feed myself, put their needs ahead of mine, go to bed too late, have an infinite love of wine and spend too much time worrying about things that are beyond my control. 

I am a happy person. I am loved by my family and friends and I have a kickass, handsome husband. He isn’t perfect, but far from perfect am I, and he seems to love me anyway. I hit the jackpot.   

I am angry. I am loud, annoying, hormonal and obnoxious. I am passionate, relentless, raging and primal. I love with all that I have.  I stand up for myself, and I am an advocate for those who do not have a voice of their own. I have made it my mission to do all that I can do to leave this world a better place than when I entered it. 

I’m the one who has been told that I’m lucky enough to own a  #womancard. My entire life, I’ve been told to dress appropriately, to smile, to keep my mouth shut. I have been expected to be lady in the streets and a freak between the sheets. I’ve been forced to spend an arm and a leg on tampons, maxi pads, make-up and hair removal products all while being made to be a magician and make a dollar bill out of .79 cents. 

I am She.

Who is She?  She is a mother, a grandmother, a daughter, a spouse and a partner. She is single and she is divorced. She is a friend, coworker, aunt, niece and the chick standing next to you in line at the grocery store.  She is me. She is you.  She is exhausted and she is scared. She is doing the best damn job she can right now and deserves your respect. She is a sexy motherfucker.  She gives her all and expects nothing less in return; and she deserves it, and so much more.

Everyday She plays the role of Superwoman and no one even notices. Give your girl a high five next time you see her. She deserves it. 

I Didn’t Mean To Break Up With You

You. I’m talking to YOU. The one reading this. We used to be friends. Or, maybe we were acquaintances. If you’ve gotten this far to clicking on this post and actually reading it, we knew each other at some time or you know someone exactly like me. I miss you. Yes, YOU.

I didn’t mean for it to get to this point, and I don’t mean to spew excuses, but here they are. Sure, I see you on facebook, instagram, twitter and other social media sites. We will chat sometimes, and “like” each other’s posts. I follow what you are doing and try to comment when I can. In-between wiping puke off my shirt, changing dirty diapers and feeling like I’m the star in my own “Ground Hog Day” movie every day, I even try to text you!

Even though you may not believe me, I think of you all the time and wish I could see you more. I should tell you that more often. You’ve probably silently accused me of committing the ultimate act that led our friendship to break apart, and you would be right. I’m not talking about stealing your boyfriend or getting into a fight with you. I’m talking about ending (or as I like to think if it “pausing”) our friendship in the only socially acceptable way there is in a way that you can’t really complain about it- at least not out loud (Or you’d seem like a total jerk 😉 ) Lets just be honest: I dropped off the face of the planet.

I did. I went and got married and immediately had a baby after… A colicky baby who cried 23 hours of the day; one I love immensely, but seriously made me feel like I needed to be admitted into an insane asylum at times. Then, 4 short months later, I got pregnant again.

I have a not-so secret “secret” to share with you- If you want to remove yourself from society completely, try being pregnant for almost 2 years in a row and having 2 babies under the age of 2. Then throw in working full-time, getting no sleep, trying to maintain your house and marriage, and you’re pretty much socially dead.  You stopped inviting me to things a long time ago, and I really don’t blame you. Someone can only decline your invite so many times before you stop asking.

I love my new family, but I didn’t mean to break up with you, my dear friend. My New Year’s Resolution is to have more balance in my life and to see you more often…. I’m still the fun, loud-mouthed girl who you remember… just a little more tired and need a little more notice to make plans now. Let’s get coffee… or a cocktail! Call me. I miss you.

xo,

Your Friend Alyson

girls